Rain

This morning I spent a moment of time living a scene from a movie.  But it was nothing like you see in the movies. Standing by the open door gazing at the raindrops on the back deck, clutching my coffee mug and cozy blanket wrapped tightly around my shoulders. The rain fell on the leaves of the trees and made a shimmering noise, no other sounds came from the woods, and one would expect to feel at peace with life.
 I didn't feel peaceful. I didn't feel like it was going to be a good day. I felt so very much alone.  Even with my hosts going about their day behind me, cleaning up from breakfast, chatting with each other about their grand kids and the plans they had for the day, I felt like I was in a different time. My stomach tightened and sent a sickening feeling all through my body. It went to my feet and I had to shift my weight from one leg to the other. It's like I was expecting my one true love to come up behind me and nuzzle my neck and say how beautiful I looked in my pj's with my messy hair down around my shoulders. But of course that wasn't going to happen and it made me sick. I don't know why. Why would I expect that?  I am completely single. I've never experienced that, so why did it seem like such a natural thing to have happened in that moment?  An overwhelming sense of loneliness and self-pity came over me when I realized how truly loveless my life was in that moment. My relationships have all been selfish lies and cheap excuses for love, patched together with false commitment driven by insecurities and tied up with motives infused with the fear of being alone.
     I love the rain. Usually it makes me feel hopeful. Like love is on its way.  But not today.
Today it reminds me of my failures, my second chances that I never took because I was too afraid I would do something wrong and it would blow up in my face.  And it reminds me of the times I took those chances, and experienced the explosions. I think of the hearts I hurt, and the times I let my own heart be hurt because I was afraid of letting go.
I don't want to feel this way anymore.
When will the rain stop?